Recently in Will Davis Category

what if I rent a Vogon poem?

poetryRental.jpgprompted by my tweet about my recent Rent-A-Poem post, cereisinger asked:

"Vogon poetry also? Or do I need to visit Rent-A-Wreck?"

to which My Friend Will responded:

Dear Sir:

Since the recitation of Vogon poetry is considered by the Geneva Convention as torture, it is illegal to sell or distribute said material to private individuals.

We feel it our responsibility to warn you about a service you obliquely referred to,  Rent-A-Wretch. They are a shadow company operating  out of Somalia , led by an international poetry smuggler known only as El Tampon. Most of the examples that emerge from them are badly built or dangerously parsed, and should be avoided at all cost.

On a recent Friday night, for instance, the Stanford Medical Center Emergency Room was flooded by poetry reciters who had somehow acquired a Vogon poem at a kegger and recited it to possible dating material. Only two survived the resulting assaults.

1. If you find a Vogon poem, DO NOT TOUCH IT. Call a qualified Linguistics Professional.

2. Victims of Vogon poetry MUST BE TREATED IMMEDIATELY. Flush with Dr. Seuss, and induce reciting.

3. Remember: reciting Vogon poetry WILL eviscerate your sexual life and  may land you in the hospital.

Thank you for your time.

Ford Prefect
Vogon Poetry Defense Consultant

poetryRental.jpgon my way home I passed a party rental store but I misread the sign as "poetry rental".  I relayed this little detail to My Friend Will, told him how my brain then meandered as if that were real.  what if we really Could rent poetry?  in my inbox I was later greeted with this - from My Friend Will:

Dear Customer:

Hertz Rent-a-Poem is pleased to announce the sale of our quality, pre-owned poems -- now at lower prices!

These are not stripped down one-liners. All of these poems contain luxurious appointments such as internal subtexts, obscure metaphors, memorable sound bites, and  multiple levels of subtle contextual perspectives that will bring a wry smile to your face and impart a sense of your superior linguistic skills.

You will be the hit of the evening when you arrive with any of these. From the subcompact Haiku to the flowing lines of the modern Epics, to the taut, street-wise Slams, you will be the envy of any social situation.

Offer is limited. Only lanky English majors with soul-searching eyes will be considered. You must have an Angst value of 800 or better to qualify. The warranty on these items is limited. There is no claim, express or implied, that you will get laid by using these poems. Any additional work you do on these poems while drunk, such as:

1. Accidentally changing Hopkins' Windhover's first line from:
"I caught this morning morning's minion"
"I caught this minion this morning, it's morning's, s'morning...good morning..."

2. Accidentally changing Eliot's "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas," to "...scuttling across the sores of silent fleas."

3. Accidentally combining poems: "So much ...depends upon...the red wheelbarrow...diverging in a yellow wood...
shall not be covered by this policy.

These poems are sold as is. The usefulness of a Haiku is temporary, and may only last the length of one attempt to get laid. Klingon epic poetry recited at a Superbowl party during a third quarter rout of the local team has been known to be fatal. Please recite sensibly.

if Will Davis wrote the bible ...

if my friend Will Davis wrote the bible, I'd be so there.  check it out as he reinterprets for the season.

King James:

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

James Street:

So it was about midnight in the Alsam Bar. Two, three guys from the parking garage next door, sittin' 'round, trying to get warm, or  at least drunk enough to think they were.

So some guy I ain't never seen before, so tall he has to duck under the jamb, walks in, buff, arms ripplin' like snakes under his shirt. He didn't have no coat, didn't look like he wanted one.

He didn't have the body fat of a squirrel, neither.

A couple of the boys move off, but he's smilin' 'n he's all: "It's all good." He nods a beer outta the bartender, takes a hit, puts down the bottle, looks around 'n says, in a voice big as he is, "You'll never believe this, but they's this kid born over in Oaktown? He's the real deal.  7854 89th, round the back in the garage. No lights or heat. But he's the real deal."

He puts down the empty, turns, and as he walks out, he slaps the jukebox, 'n it jumps right off Garth 'n starts playin' Silent Night. You want to know what else? Sumbitch jukebox  doesn't even have Silent Night on it, swear to God.

We go outside 'n he's, like, gone.

guppies ... pit bulls ... all the same

my friend Will Davis is rife with riffs that I just cannot keep to myself.

I found this line in an apartment rental ad and forwarded to him:
   No Pets including fish

to which he responded - and I share with his permission:

Yeah, if you have a goldfish that smokes, you're REALLY up shit creek.

But seriously, fish can be a problem. My roommate had two guppies, and one
time I came home, and there was guppyshit all over the rug and the kitchen
trash was pulled out. Damn. Hundreds of dollars to clean it up.

And I've lived in beautiful places where I had to move out because the
neighbor's guppies would keep you up all night.

I know, I know, it's not the guppies, it's the owner. And sometimes, people
just want the security of having a guppy or two, just to scare off the
burglars. But they just get out of hand. It's genetic. Guppies were
originally trained by the Chinese for warfare. Some were Fifteen, twenty
millimeters long. Scary. And yeah, they bred them down to a reasonable
size, but like I say, it's the genetics.

And the other thing. A lot of time people who have guppies mistreat them.
I've seen the ASPCA go in and pull ten, fifteen guppies out of a house. Half
of me is disgusted, half of me, my heart is breaking.

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