Recently in Life with ... Category

guppies ... pit bulls ... all the same

my friend Will Davis is rife with riffs that I just cannot keep to myself.

I found this line in an apartment rental ad and forwarded to him:
   No Pets including fish

to which he responded - and I share with his permission:

Yeah, if you have a goldfish that smokes, you're REALLY up shit creek.

But seriously, fish can be a problem. My roommate had two guppies, and one
time I came home, and there was guppyshit all over the rug and the kitchen
trash was pulled out. Damn. Hundreds of dollars to clean it up.

And I've lived in beautiful places where I had to move out because the
neighbor's guppies would keep you up all night.

I know, I know, it's not the guppies, it's the owner. And sometimes, people
just want the security of having a guppy or two, just to scare off the
burglars. But they just get out of hand. It's genetic. Guppies were
originally trained by the Chinese for warfare. Some were Fifteen, twenty
millimeters long. Scary. And yeah, they bred them down to a reasonable
size, but like I say, it's the genetics.

And the other thing. A lot of time people who have guppies mistreat them.
I've seen the ASPCA go in and pull ten, fifteen guppies out of a house. Half
of me is disgusted, half of me, my heart is breaking.

are we missing a dirty word?

marriageWithoutSex.jpgwhile discussing sex in our culture with a couple friends who had been in marriages that had very little sex, I heard my one friend who has a knack for Steven Wright-like statements wonder this:

friend: "fornicate" only pertains to marriage.  it's sex without marriage.

... some time passes.

friend:  is there a dirty word for marriage without sex?

stand-up sandwich

as my friend and I were discussing some new process we were going to use to make our latest invention, he set his sandwich down on its end.

I forgot what we were talking about as I doubled over laughing.

some people just do what's required in life to get the job done.

and some of us laugh at them.

he did not want to be associated online forever and ever with this stand-up sandwich routine and agreed that I chop his head off.

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