what if I rent a Vogon poem?

poetryRental.jpgprompted by my tweet about my recent Rent-A-Poem post, cereisinger asked:

"Vogon poetry also? Or do I need to visit Rent-A-Wreck?"

to which My Friend Will responded:

Dear Sir:

Since the recitation of Vogon poetry is considered by the Geneva Convention as torture, it is illegal to sell or distribute said material to private individuals.

We feel it our responsibility to warn you about a service you obliquely referred to,  Rent-A-Wretch. They are a shadow company operating  out of Somalia , led by an international poetry smuggler known only as El Tampon. Most of the examples that emerge from them are badly built or dangerously parsed, and should be avoided at all cost.

On a recent Friday night, for instance, the Stanford Medical Center Emergency Room was flooded by poetry reciters who had somehow acquired a Vogon poem at a kegger and recited it to possible dating material. Only two survived the resulting assaults.

1. If you find a Vogon poem, DO NOT TOUCH IT. Call a qualified Linguistics Professional.

2. Victims of Vogon poetry MUST BE TREATED IMMEDIATELY. Flush with Dr. Seuss, and induce reciting.

3. Remember: reciting Vogon poetry WILL eviscerate your sexual life and  may land you in the hospital.

Thank you for your time.

Ford Prefect
Vogon Poetry Defense Consultant


I wrote this for a Vogon poetry competition. I t won me the worst poetry competition on the Ship of Fools forums. Share and enjoy.

Shall I compare my love for thee to the morning flatulence of a cow?
For at yon bucolic announcement the world grows lighter
And, hark, and my love is that dawn: a plasmatic glowing orb of gas rising – though, not really, since planetary rotation only makes it appear so to planetary-bound observers –
As I am bound to thee
In love
And just as cow farts introduce methane into the atmosphere to contribute their small measure to the warmth induced by greenhouse gases
So do I warm to thee the way those planets whose carbon based life-forms include cows warm a bit that way
That is not to say my love could not burn instead
Like burning methane in an oxygen atmosphere
For thee
Or burning hydrogen in a star – though, really, the two processes of “burning” are entirely different being alike only in that they produce light and heat -
Like the light and heat I feel for thee
But what I’m really trying to get at here is that you make me feel hot
In both celestial and personal ways
Like being gassy after a spicy meal
Of a good beef curry, maybe
Or when the distant poot of a cow presages the dawn
Of my love for thee

well, Scott ... another hidden talent emerges ... or should I say oozes.

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This page contains a single entry by laura published on June 22, 2010 3:05 PM.

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